Without A Kiss
by AlIsBack
Summary: Andy tells Miguel about that night at the movies. REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!:D
1. Chapter 1

**Without A Kiss**

Author's note: First: Sorry it took me so long to upload something new. This story will have more chapters. Maybe one, maybe two or three. There will be a little "gift" such as a song or a poem at the end of each chapter. Sounds weird, I know. Thank you already for reading it. Review!

I tried unlock the door silently. The only thing I wanted to do right now was taking a shower, going to bed, and telling him I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I love you. David Letterman was on the TV but I didn't listen.

"Mikey?" There was no answer. I found him sleeping on the couch. He looked beautiful and handsome as everytime. I wanted to touch him but I didn't dare to. The light of the TV was lighting up his face. I never looked at him that way. Now, that I experiecend something so unfamiliar, he looked even more beautiful and handsome. Innocent and peacefull. Like a little child. His torso going up and down. His lids were fluttering and made his lashes look like they were dancing.

Miguel opned his eyes. "What time is it?"

"Late."

"Jesus..You had to work long?"

"Mhmm.."

"My poor baby." He kissed me. Don't kiss me. I don't deserve it.

"Are we going to bed?"

"Sure.."

There it is again. That feeling that rises in my stomach and overcomes my entire body. I felt it immediatley after leaving the theater. Is it a feeling of guilt, of shame, regret? Probably everything.

My head was aching, there were to many thoughts, questions. How could I? Why? How? Tell him? Don't tell him? What am I to do?

I went to bed. There had to be something to happen. While I walked home the scenraio apperared over and over infront of my mind's eye. Maybe there was nothing going to happen. Just forget it. Live with that bad conscience. Why not? It's my fault. But I know I can't. I couldn't lie to his face. He is my man, my love.

"Good night."

"Good night, baby."

I turned away. I just couldn't look into his beautiful brown eyes. He wrapped an arm around me, held me tight. Kissed my neck.

"I love you.." I want to say, don't- I'm not worth it.

"Miguel."

"I love you so much."

With one quick move he lay on top of me. "Miguel, I need to.."

He pressed his finger to my lips. "Shh, no talking except in Spanish.."

"All I know is how to count till ten.."

He kissed me. "Uno."

Again. "Dos."

Again. "Tres."

"Miguel. What. Are. You. Doing?"

"What does it feel like?"

It feels graet, go on. I wish I could say that. Tell him now. Tell him.

"I didnt work that long today.. I went to the Stallions and.."

"To that porno theatre?" His romantic mood seemed to have passed in seconds.

"No. Well, yes."

He laughed. All he did was laughing.

"Why didn't you call me? We could have gone there together."

"Yeah.. Well. I guess, I made a mistake."

"Was the movie that bad?" Oh god he had no idea. I can still stop it here, right now. But I can't. He didn't even suggested it. That was how big his heart, how pure his love was. How naive. And yet beautiful.

"Erm.. See." Do it fast or slow?

"Yeah?"

"I had.. Ihadsexwithsomestranger." It flew over my lips like one word.

"You had what?" He looked at me with his "I-don't-believe-it-"expression.

"Uhmm.. Sex?"  
"That's a joke."  
"I wish it was."  
He sat up, switched the light on. Didn't look at me. He just shook his head in disbelief over and over again.

"Why?", he whispered. But even in this short word his voice cracked.

I always knew what I had to say. That was necessary for my work. I am a lawyer and I can talk, really talk.

"How can you do that to me?"

"I.."

"I don't get it." Me neither.

"I gave you everything. Everything. You know what, I've been in love in my life two times. Two times. I was betrayed two times in my life. Is it about me? Is it my fault? Am I not good enough for you? What is it?"

"Miguel.."

"WHAT? I think I'm gonna sleep on the couch."

"Can't we talk?"

"ABOUT WHAT?"

"You wanna break up?"

"No, I mean. I don't know. No. I just want to sleep on the couch."

"I'm sorry."

"Just shut the fuck up." He started crying.

"I love you, Mikey."

"SHUT UP! Just leave me alone. LEAVE ME ALONE, OKAY? JUST PISS OFF!"

I can't leave you alone. I want to talk to you, I need to apologize, I need to say sorry. I want to spend my life with you. I won't give us up. I was supid. I was a fool. Maybe I still am but I love you.

I decided to leave the room.

"I better go and sleep downstairs."

"Yeah, do what you want."

When I left the room, he said "Did you kiss him?"

"No."

He nodded, wiped off his tears. I wanted to hug him, wanted to say Sorry, Sorry, Sorry. Please forgive me. Please. But I just turned around and went. I couldn't even make it to the living room. I sat down at the stairs and stared into the darkness. His muted sobs broke my heart. I hated myself. Hated what I've done. It was fast and meaningless and yet it took the most precious thing in my life. I thought about going back upstairs. About talking to him. But I was afraid. The next thing I can remeber was that he was rushing down the stairs. He wore shoes and his jacket.

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

"What are you gonna do?"

He turned round and looked at me.

"I'm going to go to a bar. And I'm gonna pour out myself some whiskey so that I get so fucking drunk untill I pass out and forget your face." I was quite shocked. That was so not Miguel.

"No.. You won't."

"Yes. I will."

I was looking for the right words. New words. But the only thing I could manage was Can't we talk?

"Can't we talk?"

"Honestly-no." With that he walked out and slammed the door.

_Woke up and for the first time, the animals were gone_  
_It's left this house empty now, not sure if I belong_  
_Yesterday you asked me to write you a pleasant song_  
_I'll do my best now, but you've been gone for so long_

_The window's open now and the winter settles in_  
_We'll call it Christmas when the adverts begin_  
_I love your depression and I love your double chin_  
_I love 'most everything that you bring to this offering_

_Oh I know that I left you in places of despair_  
_Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair_  
_At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up_  
_'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup_

_Woke up and for the first time the animals were gone_  
_Our clocks are ticking now so before our time is gone_  
_We could get a house and some boxes on the lawn_  
_We could make babies and accidental songs_

_I know I've been a liar and I know I've been a fool_  
_I hope we didn't break yet, but I'm glad we broke the rules_  
_My cave is deep now, yet your light is shining through_  
_I cover my eyes, still all I see is you_

_Oh I know that I left you in places of despair_  
_Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair_  
_At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up_  
_'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup _

_The Animals Were Gone - Damien Rice_


	2. Just a little sign

I looked around. I needed to break something. I was so angry, I felt like I needed to destroy something.

"Shit.. Shit.. SHIT, SHIT FUCKING FUCKED UP FUCKING SHIT!" I don't remember how long I kept screaming, I just know that sometime the screaming turned into crying. Crying into screaming. Screaming to crying. Crying to sobbing. Sobbing to screaming.

Miguel sat down at the bar.

"What can I do for you, kid?"

"Need something to drink."

"I see that, you look like a piece of shit." The barkeeper laughed loudly. He had dark brown hair, a beard, was tall and muscular. A tattoo was visible on his arm.

Miguel didn't say a word.

"What do you wanna drink, kid?"

"Whiskey, wodka, gin. I don't care."

The barkeeper looked at Miguel. "You really look like a broken hearted piece of shit. Here, take that." He poured out a shot of whiskey.

Miguel just nodded.

"It's on the house, kid."

He downed the whiskey with one gulp. And slammed the glass onto the table.

The barkeeper poured out one other.

"I guess a second one. Hm, kid?"

"Yeah.."

"Ain't you way too young to have a broken heart?"

Miguel rubbed his eyes. They were dry of tears.

"How old are you, kid?"

Miguel didn't feel like talking.

"25."

"That's WAY TOO YOUNG."

Miguel reached out his glass for a third drink.

"You're the man, kid."

"Could you please just stop calling me kid."

"No way, you're a kid."

Miguel drank the fourth and the fith shot, as he asked for one more the barkeeper said:"Go home, listen to some sad music and pray to god. There won't be sixth one for you."

"I'll break up." Miguels voice was shaking and jittery.

"Tomorrow will be a new day, kid."

Miguel threw 40 dollars on the table.

"For you, _kid_", he said.

"Don't get caught by the cops!"

Miguel walked out of the bar. It was cold outside but he was too drunk to realize it.

"Why did you do that, Drew? I don't get it... Jesus. Jesus Christ. Oh my god.." He was talking to himself. That was the way it should end? Miguel didn't know whta to cry over first. That he had been cheated on, that they were about to break up. That his whole life seemed to be a mess without Andy? He wanted to be with him so desperatlely but he didn't know how to deal with the fact Andy had sex with another man. He never would have guessed it. Miguel knew he had always been jealous when other man were around Andy but it was never that serious. To Miguel, it was just a sign of his deep affection and love for Andy. Although Andy complained a few times about his boyfriends temper and jealously, he always felt a little bit flattered.

This was different. Miguel was wondering what disturbed him most. That all his trust was lost or was it only the sex? He looked up at the sky and pointed out a finger.

"Hey, you. God. If you really exist why did you let this happen?Just tell me why! Or tell me what am I to do? Just a little sign, he? Just a little sign.. Just a little fucking sign!" Miguel wanted something to happen so badly that suddenly there was a breeze that blew a magazine about stars and society out of the garbage bin. YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE AND GIVE YOUR LOVE A CHANCE said the caption, it was the quotation of some really bad actress.

"That's the sign?" Miguel laughed but as he picked up the magazine and read it, he whispered: "Oh.. Jesus. This is sick.."

He needed to go home, he had no other choice. He looked in his pockets for his key but it wasn't there. He had forgot it inside as he left in such rage and anger. Knocking at the door seemed to be the only option.

_There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth_  
_There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt_  
_It's still a little hard to say what's going on_

_There's still a little bit of your ghost your witness_  
_There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed_  
_You step a little closer each day_  
_That I can´t say what´s going on_

_Stones taught me to fly_  
_Love, it taught me to lie_  
_Life, it taught me to die_  
_So it's not hard to fall_  
_When you float like a cannonball_

_Cannonball - Damien Rice_


	3. A Broken Embrace

"I didn't think you'd be back tonight."

Miguel looked at Andy with unseeing eyes.

"Yeah, whatever."

It was 2am, Andy hadn't fall asleep at all. He just sat at the kitchen table for about two hours thinking about what to do next. But making a thought was hard enough. His head felt so incredibly heavy. Miguel stepped inside and threw himself down to the sofa.

"Are you okay?"

Miguel turned his head towards Andy and looked at him disbelievlingly. "Well, yeah. I'm fine. Best day in my life. You know, my boyfriend, he just cheated on me. But hey, that's okay with me. Honestly."

"Miguel.. I"  
"Andrew, honey. I'm drunk."

Andy was desperate. There were so many things to explain, to talk about and Miguel just lay there, drunk. Andy had never seen him so out of control because of alcohol before. But infact, it wasn't the alcohol that made Miguel look so wasted. There had to be something to happen this night. Things wouldn't get easier the next morning.

"You should get some rest..", was all Andy said.

But it wasn't necessary anymore, Miguel already fell asleep. Andy pulled of Miguel's shoes and placed a kiss to his cheek. "Sorry.. Sorry, Mikey..", he whispered. Hoping things would get better Andy decided to try to get some sleep himself. The bed seemed too empty without Miguel, Andy reached out for Miguel's pillow and held it tight. It had the smell of his hair on it and made Andy feel a little bit closer to his boyfriend who was sleeping just downstairs. Andy looked at his alarm clock, minutes seemed to pass like hours. He just hoped to get tired of thinking and that that would made him fall asleep.

After an uncomfortable sleep Andy woke up when he heard Miguel's voice.

"I just packed some stuff. And I guess.." It seemed hard to speak for him. "Guess.. Maybe. We just need a break or something?"  
There it was, that typical 'I think we need a break.I think we have to get some distance-thing!'

"Just to get some distance..", he continued.

"Erm.. See, Miguel. I can't do more than just apologize over and over again."

"No, it's okay. Just don't do it anymore."  
Did he just say IT'S OKAY?

"Right.. yeah. I won't. You mean apologizing or having sex with a stranger?"

That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Miguel just shook his head.

"It's not like I don't love you. But maybe I should consider stopping it. It doesn't seem to be that good for both of us."

"Miguel, don't say that.."  
"Sorry, Andy. I don't know how this is going on."

"Where do you want to go?"  
"There might be a little place for a man like me in the City of Brotherly Love, eh?"

Miguel left. City sounds. Voices. Birds. People. Too many people. Laughing. People rushing towards streets. Shopping. Miguel left. Love. Men. Women. Children. Homeless. Andy left alone. City sounds. The city reaches its arms out, puts them around you. But this loneliness won't subside because it's just a broken embrace.

_Looking from the window above  
It's like a story of love  
Can you hear me?  
Came back only yesterday  
Who went further away  
Want you near me_

__

All I needed was the love you gave  
All I needed for another day  
And all I ever knew  
Only you

Sometimes when I think of his name  
When it's only a game  
And I need you  
Listen to the words that you say  
It's getting harder to stay  
When I need you

All I needed was the love you gave  
All I needed for another day  
And all I ever knew  
Only you

This is gonna take a long time  
And I wonder what's mine  
Can't take no more

Wonder if you'll understand  
It's just the touch of your hand  
Behind a closed door

_All I needed was the love you gave  
All I needed for another day  
And all I ever knew  
Only you _

_Only you – Joshua Radin_


	4. I want you to

It took Miguel 4 days to return. Both of them had never suffered that much. Andy had phoned all of their friends asking if Miguel was staying with them, begging them to tell the truth because he was afraid, afraid of not knowing where he was, not being able to contact him sooner or later. And Miguel, he just spend the time on his own, asking questions about life. Thinking, trying to fall out of love. Wishing to be able not to care. But he just couldn't. He didn't want to forgive Andy that easily but otherwise he was afraid to loose Andy, his love, if he wouldn't do it. Where actually he was the one who had been betrayed, Andy had been unfaithful and yet Miguel felt like it was his fault. He should wait for Andy to hug him and hold him tight. Andy should be the one, asking himself that kind of questions.

The feeling that came up in Andy's stomach as he heard the sound of a key unlocking the door, was either the most exciting or the worst, he felt like he was going to vomit. He knew right away that it only could be Miguel. He was afraid of what Miguel was going to say, how he would look at him. Disgusted, callous?

But Miguel just stood there, suddenly smiling but somehow sadly, wistfully. "I just love you way too much."

Andy didn't know what to say, maybe words weren't required now. He just put his arms around Miguel, squeezed him tight, being determined to never let Miguel go again.

"I love you. I love you. I love you, Miguel."

"How can anyone bear that?", asked Miguel quietly.

"What?", whispered Andy stroking through Miguel's hair.

"Love."

They kissed. For a moment the world seemed to hold on, to stand still. No sound. No motion at all.

"I have absolutely no idea."

_Quiero que me oigas, sin juzgarme._

**I want you to listen to me without judging me.**

_Quiero que opines, sin aconsejarme._

**I want you to tell me what you think without giving me advices.**

_Quiero que confíes en mi, sin exigirme._

**I want you to trust me without expecting something.**

_Quiero que me ayudes, sin intentar decidir por mi._

**I want you to help me without making decisions for me.**

_Quiero que me cuides, sin anularme._

**I want you to take care of me without crushing me.**

_Quiero que me mires, sin proyectar tus cosas en mi._

**I want you to look at me without you seeing yourself in myself.**

_Quiero que me abraces, sin asfixiarme._

**I want you to hug me without taking my breath away.**

_Quiero que me animes, sin empujarme._

**I want you to bolster me up without edging me.**

_Quiero que me sostengas, sin hacerte cargo de mi._

I** want you hold me without bottling me up.**

_Quiero que me protejas, sin mentiras._

**I want you to protect me without lying, sincerely.**

_Quiero que te acerques, sin invadirme._

**I want you to come closer without being an invader.**

_Quiero que conozcas las cosas mías que más te disgusten,_

**I want you to know all the thing you don't like about me**

_que las aceptes y no pretendas cambiarlas._

**That you accept them and don't try to change them.**

_Quiero que sepas, que hoy, hoy podés contar conmigo._

**I want you to know that today, today you can count on me.**

_Sin condiciones._

_**Without conditions.**_

_Quiero - Jorge Bucay_


End file.
